Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(781):
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

 

[MacGyver]

(928):
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

 

[MacGyver]

(214):
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

 

[MacGyver]

(425):
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

 

[MacGyver]

(564):
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random **** he has lying around. like hamburger buns

 

[MacGyver]

(702):
it was like having sex with a tree stump

 

[MacGyver]

(540):
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

 

[MacGyver]

(309):
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

 

[MacGyver]

(765):
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

 

[MacGyver]

(330):
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls

 

[MacGyver]

(817):
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

 

[MacGyver]

(780):
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

 

[MacGyver]

(203):
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.

 

[MacGyver]

(218):
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

 

[MacGyver]

(210):
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

 

[MacGyver]

(732):
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

 

[MacGyver]

(917):
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

 

[MacGyver]

(231):
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

 

[MacGyver]

(910):
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

 

[MacGyver]

(201):
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.