Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(703):
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened

 

[MacGyver]

(830):
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.

 

[MacGyver]

(305):
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

 

[MacGyver]

(301):
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

 

[MacGyver]

(204):
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

 

[MacGyver]

(513):
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

 

[MacGyver]

(401):
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

 

[MacGyver]

(410):
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

 

[MacGyver]

(315):
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

 

[MacGyver]

(817):
No, he grudge ****ed my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

 

[MacGyver]

(518):
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

 

[MacGyver]

(916):
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

 

[MacGyver]

(913):
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

 

[MacGyver]

(773):
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
:rofl:

 

[MacGyver]

(314):
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

 

[MacGyver]

(716):
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

 

[MacGyver]

(404):
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

 

[MacGyver]

(325):
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.

 

[MacGyver]

(813):
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thunderkunt" every time I walk in the room?

 

[MacGyver]

(678):
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.