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Texts From Last Night

(203):
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
 
(603):
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you ****ing asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
 
(914):
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
 
(802):
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
 
(616):
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
 
(832):
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
 
(816):
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816):
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816):
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
 
(503):
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
 
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