Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(+31):
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

 

[MacGyver]

(410):
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

 

[MacGyver]

(432):
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.

 

[MacGyver]

(407):
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

 

[MacGyver]

(858):
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

 

[MacGyver]

(414):
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

 

[MacGyver]

(615):
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

 

[MacGyver]

(518):
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.

 

[MacGyver]

(703):
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

 

[MacGyver]

(905):
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

 

[MacGyver]

(508):
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

 

[MacGyver]

(417):
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

 

[MacGyver]

(443):
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that ****.

 

[MacGyver]

(814):
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

 

[MacGyver]

(662):
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

 

[MacGyver]

(315):
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

 

[MacGyver]

(562):
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him

 

[MacGyver]

(647):
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

 

[MacGyver]

(314):
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time

 

[MacGyver]

(+44):
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.