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Texts From Last Night

(202):
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
 
(443):
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
 
(302):
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that ****
 
(314):
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
 
(610):
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
 
(516):
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
 
(605):
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
 
(210):
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
 
(205):
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
 
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