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Texts From Last Night

(314): What happened to the watermelon?
(1-314): You ****ed it.

(206): ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
(818): oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good

(501): he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???

(727): If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"

(818): I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
 
(818): I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head

F'ing Los Angeles... I swear.
 
(503): I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, **** buddies, and dating, and the **** buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

(954): i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it

(802): My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
(516): is she hot?
(802): She is now

(443): She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits

(440): we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
 
(843): got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

(301): About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
(1-301): hey.....beach week happens

(314): Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

(515): you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
 
(252): after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?

(905): FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thunderc unt as a form of dirty talk.
LOL - I've found 'thunderp ussy' has the same effect...
 
Last edited:
jayboat said:
(954): i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Click to expand...

Does DollaBill still have a Ft. Laud area code? This sounds an awful lot like his late night run to Primanti Bros Pizza. :willy_nilly:
 
(740): so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
 
(931): so today I found out that she used to be a he....
(1-931): are you gonna get a divorce?

(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

(480): I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same

(970): She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??

(773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
(1-773): didn't stop?
(773): naw, they were rude, not me.

(401): and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping

(902): How did people poop without Blackberrys?
(416): Motorola Razers?
(902): Stone age, man.

(954): I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
 
Curse you people for letting this thread slide to page two.

(608): the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy <3's balls" is written in sharpie across my forehead

(608): the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy <3's balls" is written in sharpie across my forehead
 
(303): I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

(504): I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

(514): in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview

(609): Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

(636): I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

(602): hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

(814): He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

(317): You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

(518): it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in

(843): By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

(717): gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
(940): homeless.
 
Michigan in da house:

(847): I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
 
(818): Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"

(252): He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.

(206): My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
 
(608): Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

(310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

(206): Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
 
(303): GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.

(925): He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

(440): I just did the classiest thing ever.
(216): last time you said that you got chlamydia.
 
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