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Texts From Last Night

Cash Bar said:
Which one of you Philly azzholes is this?

(317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to *ussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
(812): You're dead to me.

:)
Click to expand...

I'm in Philly biotch:sifone:
 
(416): Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
 
(434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
(1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

(512): got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule

(918): Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
 
(416): Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

(416): Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
 
(419): Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

(865): she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

(345): so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
(574): well at least shes not calling you fat anymore

(215): he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

For all the female Conservatives in the house:
(202): We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.

(617): i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

(203): walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
 
(330): She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

(512): I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.

(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

(954): i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual j-cking off process.
 
THIS ONE HAS BEEN SOOOOO TRUE FOR THE LAST WEEK::ack2:

(318): Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday ****. I choose to believe the humidity.
 
(614): see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

978): why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
 
(913): your address is 607B right?
(785): yeah why?
(913): i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog sh!t where to put it

(727): If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"

(610): I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could sh!t a necklace.
 
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