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Texts From Last Night

(267): Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

(516): All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.

(715): sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
 
(301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

(669): sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
 
(636): Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

(617): He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

(484): No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
 
(845): I'm ****ing him on the second date. I don't give a **** what Patti Stanger says.

(860): Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
 
(315): a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

(289): Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

(210): this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.

(757): I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.

(401): apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

(507): You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

(540): when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking

(704): but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

(973): but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days

(505): I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.

(909): I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.

(913): Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.

(651): The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.

(221): I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.

(423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
 
(765): i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.

(773): I am midnight drunk by noon

(732): last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?

(848): Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
 
(716): i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control

(443): The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.

(502): I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
(1-502): Aren't you in 8th grade?
(502): 9th, but that's not the point.
 
(757): ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.

(908): he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno

(410): is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?

(608): I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over

(405): That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.

(316): I cut my penus on the lid.

(262): i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"

(214): 1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

(989): We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.

(717): I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
 
(660): We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

(248): he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

(254): Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get ****faced

(646): I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

(615): New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

(413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

(518): apparently people get ****ed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party

(732): so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night

(613): had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
 
(914): you opened the fridge, ****ed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

(770): Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.

(303): if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous <<<<<<<<<<<<SWEET!
 
(443): at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them

(313): I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
 
(304): what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

(570): Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
(717): So for us it's double that?
(570): Precisely.

(678): stop calling my apartment porn island.

(480): I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

(781): WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
(339): Oh yeah that.

(404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

(347): I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

(315): You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

(512): At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

(484): Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.

(419): I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
 
(207): you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

(+44): Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

(732): So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

(810): I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

(407): do you ever just like the smell of your farts?

(443): he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

(865): that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
 
(469): I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.

(732): I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
 
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