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Texts From Last Night

(860):
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
 
(808):
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
 
(703):
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703):
Wasn't he an English major?
 
(614):
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
 
(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
 
(401):
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
 
(303):
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
 
(207):
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207):
probs a good idea

(207):
i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207):
you sure you're not high?
 
(973):
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
 
(714):
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
 
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