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Texts From Last Night

(405):
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

(204):
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.


(928):
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
 
(915):
I told you I was good to drive

(1-915):
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
 
(517):
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

(309):
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

(352):
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917):
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
 
(201):
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

630):
Holy **** bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the **** is the world coming to?

(407):
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
 
(203):
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about **** that doesnt matter.

(812):
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
 
(713):
I want to **** you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512):
babe, don't say it like that!

(713):
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
 
(915):
I told you I was good to drive

(1-915):
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
 
(720):
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
 
(650):
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
 
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