Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(647):
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

 

[MacGyver]

(570):
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my **** together

 

[MacGyver]

(847):
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

 

[MacGyver]

(503):
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

 

[MacGyver]

(617):
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

 

[MacGyver]

(818):
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.

 

[MacGyver]

(303):
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

 

[MacGyver]

(901):
He **** in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.

 

[MacGyver]

(508):
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup

 

[MacGyver]

(330):
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

 

[MacGyver]

(724):
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

 

[MacGyver]

(317):
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.

 

[MacGyver]

(308):
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

 

[MacGyver]

(469):
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

 

[MacGyver]

(561):
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

 

[MacGyver]

(339):
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

 

[MacGyver]

(513):
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

 

[MacGyver]

(860):
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

 

[MacGyver]

(804):
don't worry dude, we didn't **** on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804):
couldn't find a condom?

(804):
basically

 

[MacGyver]

(310):
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?