Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(330):
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

 

[MacGyver]

(601):
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"

 

[MacGyver]

(440):
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

 

[MacGyver]

(732):
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

 

[MacGyver]

(937):
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

 

[MacGyver]

(314):
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

 

[MacGyver]

(413):
She had a group on her phone called "great ****s". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

 

[MacGyver]

(701):
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

 

[MacGyver]

(256):
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334):
i do.

 

[MacGyver]

(973):
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

 

[MacGyver]

(914):
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

 

[MacGyver]

(630):
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.

 

[MacGyver]

(303):
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303):
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

 

[MacGyver]

(330):
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

 

[MacGyver]

(646):
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night

 

[MacGyver]

(626):
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms

 

[MacGyver]

(519):
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.

 

[MacGyver]

(405):
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

 

[MacGyver]

(208):
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

 

[MacGyver]

(248):
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.