Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(301):
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

 

[MacGyver]

(972):
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.

 

[MacGyver]

(703):
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.

 

[MacGyver]

(516):
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

 

[MacGyver]

(270):
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.

 

[MacGyver]

(616):
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

 

[MacGyver]

(516):
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever ****ed a girl with a cast?"

 

[MacGyver]

(860):
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

 

[MacGyver]

(503):
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

 

[MacGyver]

(248):
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

 

[MacGyver]

(201):
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

 

[MacGyver]

(434):
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

 

[MacGyver]

(812):
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

 

[MacGyver]

(412):
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

 

[MacGyver]

(330):
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

 

[MacGyver]

(970):
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

 

[MacGyver]

(860):
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

 

[MacGyver]

(409):
well he's currently spooning the coffee table

 

[MacGyver]

(519):
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog **** look sexy.

(519):
She did the bend and snap...

 

[MacGyver]

(757):
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well