Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(417):
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

(573):
Jealous.

 

[MacGyver]

(417):
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.

 

[MacGyver]

(610):
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

 

[MacGyver]

(571):
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703):
and miss being on the news....no way

 

[MacGyver]

(818):
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323):
i love that song!

(818):
NOT THE POINT

 

[MacGyver]

(818):
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

 

[MacGyver]

(810):
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

 

[MacGyver]

(812):
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

 

[MacGyver]

(917):
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.

 

[MacGyver]

(561):
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna **** yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

 

[MacGyver]

(402):
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.

 

[MacGyver]

(701):
She said "Lay the **** down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

 

[MacGyver]

(714):
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

 

[MacGyver]

(916):
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

 

[MacGyver]

(301):
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

 

[MacGyver]

(443):
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

 

[MacGyver]

(940):
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

 

[MacGyver]

(651):
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once

 

[MacGyver]

(214):
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

:rofl:

 

[MacGyver]

(215):
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night