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Texts From Last Night

(561):
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
 
(914):
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
 
(440):
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
 
(215):
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
 
(330):
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
 
(248):
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

(1-248):
i told you not to try chat roulette
 
MacGyver said:
(330):
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Click to expand...

Speaking of fat, greasy post-ho'in' lumps... :sifone:

MacGyver 517
LaughingCat 209
jayboat 114
insanity 37
DollaBill 24
Davidmnc 24
ChiefApache 23
Cash Bar 22
MattBMiller 21
Perlmudder 20
endeavor1 19
Dude! Sweet! 19
03darkshadow 17
MarylandMark 15
X-Rated30 14
drpete3 14
Buoy 10

(double figures only)
 
(912):

I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
 
(413):

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
 
(918):

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
 
(618):

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
 
Spring!

(202):
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

(956):
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
 
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