Texts From Last Night

[jayboat]

908):
how was last night?

(1-908):
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

(562):
even your uterus rejects him.

(1-562):
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

 

[jayboat]

(604):

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fvcking.

 

[Chris]

Alec or Sean?

 

[LaughingCat]

Post-ho #2, AKA LaughingCat


(602):

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

 

[LaughingCat]

(203):

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to **** her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
(1-203):

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

 

[LaughingCat]

(780):

Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

 

[LaughingCat]

(310):

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment




my area code:
(813):

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

 

[LaughingCat]

(815):

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.


(630):

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

 

[LaughingCat]

(902):

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

 

[LaughingCat]

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

 

[LaughingCat]

(201):

I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

 

[Chris]

(951):
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fuc.ked.

 

[LaughingCat]

Lifted this one from LDD's phone:
(703):

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.





It's never too early for LDD jokes

 

[jayboat]

Laughing Puzzy is making slow and steady gains on my post count with all his ho'ing in this thread. :smash:

(303):
He felt like a one man threesome

 

[jayboat]

(845):
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716):
gotta love spring break

(845):
gotta love slutty girls from the south

 

[jayboat]

(832):
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

 

[jayboat]

(336):
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

 

[jayboat]

(937):
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

 

[jayboat]

(512):
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

 

[jayboat]

(804):
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store