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Texts From Last Night

(416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
 
(303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
(510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
(206): you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "f u c k in hated that thing."
 
(704): the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
 
(415): I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the phuck either thing got there
 
(914): fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
 
(248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
 
(703): Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
(571): you make me proud to be your friend
 
(808): I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
 
(619): went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely phucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
 
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