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Texts From Last Night

(386): I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
(1-386): thanks for that.

(876): you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you ****ing a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom

(912): Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?

(303): Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)

(912): i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
(1-912): dude...come out of the closet already

(913): I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

(860): im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story

(843): When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
 
(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

(215): Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
 
(551): She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does


For Tony
(817): Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
 
(716): And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after ****ting myself.

(207): Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you **** in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
 
(516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

(330): Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

(740): the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

(570): so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
 
(541): dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

(856): FOR A ****ING 40?! A ****ING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

(908): Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

(952): he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

(971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

(904): i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

(614): So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night

(508): Since when do you wear a bracelet?
(603): Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
 
(781): Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive

(816): She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
 
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