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Texts From Last Night

(740): i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.

(478): I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

(812): Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

(503): i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
(1-503): I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid **** at 3:30 in the morning

(713): I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(805): we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
 
(325): When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

(941): Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(732): I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
 
(407): i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

(503): when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

(509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
(860): Becoming a productive member of society?
(509): Sam. Come on.

(212): You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.

(256): I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
(The chick from the Moot boat brawl?)

(810): I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

(717): he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.

(763): My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.

(401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
(What's that like Clay?)
 
(512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

(573): worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.

(215): two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
(1-215): ill bring the camera dont start without me

(404): I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today

(651): she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

253): To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
 
(503): can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my a$$ and all my makeup is gone?

(864): She does have a great personality.
(1-864): Yeah, in her vagina.

(587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
(780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
(587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say f*ck the praying and kick her a$$.

(250): my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
 
(214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Phuck her. Phuck canada.

(253): Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
 
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(I love this one)
(267): When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

(616): every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.

(808): dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
(1-808): lock that **** down

(802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE **** DID U DO TO ME???

(214): Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man

(Best line to use at a PETA event:)
(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
 
(845): I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
(845): Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts
 
(905): I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"

(801): so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

(913): checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

(502): I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

(210): life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
(570): hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
(210): i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.

(+26): Which one of you ****ERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT ****ING HAPPY

(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

(917): ****. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker

(706): Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
(706): Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...

(440): pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.

(503): do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

(From the neo-Con book called Biting the Bullet:)
(917): I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
 
(858): I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

(415): So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
 
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