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Texts From Last Night

(202): its official now. im not ****ing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

(804): god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
 
(908): she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.

(480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??
 
(908): i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

(646): The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

(314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

(303): i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness

(405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

(903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
(214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally ****ed last night.
(903): I'll be there in 10

(936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

(909): if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

(513): i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
 
(215): Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.

(214): come over
(1-214): yeah sure
(1-214): wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

(+31): I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm ****wrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
 
insanity said:
(678): Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!
Click to expand...

I'm from England and I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the term "motor Boating" can anyone help me out?
 
Cookee said:
I'm from England and I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the term "motor Boating" can anyone help me out?
Click to expand...

1. Motorboating
The placement of one's face, specifically the mouth, into the area between a well-endowed woman's breasts, followed by a rapid shaking of the face in a side-to-side motion accompanied by yelling. The resulting sound that is created sounds similar to an outboard boat motor.
Sherry was wearing a low-cut top and Mike approached her and started motorboating in her cleavage.
 
Now John has something to teach all those British women about. :26: :sifone: :26:


He'll be more famous than for his racing.......I can see his picture on the front page of British tabloids everywhere......."Hello Dear, wanna see me motorboat???????


Probably get a knighthood.......:)
 
(480): I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning

(706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

(847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

(330): Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.

(970): last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!

(609): Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
(802): Remind me to tell you it was a ****ty story when you're done telling it tomorrow

(912): I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

(440): I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

(574): I accidently **** my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't **** myself.

(636): FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
 
Temporary hi-jack. this is from a guy's twitter where he only posts "**** my dad says."

Samples:
"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. ****."

"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
 
(609): He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
 
(704): You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

(812): Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
 
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