Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(248):
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

 

[MacGyver]

(+32):
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

 

[MacGyver]

(647):
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

 

[MacGyver]

(732):
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

 

[MacGyver]

(610):
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

 

[MacGyver]

(310):
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

 

[MacGyver]

(520):
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.

 

[MacGyver]

(801):
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

 

[MacGyver]

(203):
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

 

[MacGyver]

(719):
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

 

[MacGyver]

(651):
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me

 

[MacGyver]

(864):
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

 

[MacGyver]

(443):
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

 

[MacGyver]

(845):
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a ****ing life, movie

 

[MacGyver]

(618):
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.

 

[MacGyver]

(862):
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

 

[MacGyver]

(206):
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

 

[MacGyver]

(773):
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

 

[MacGyver]

(408):
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

 

[MacGyver]

(703):
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.