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Texts From Last Night

(607):
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
 
(847):
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
 
(831):
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
 
(813):
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
 
(479):
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
 
(248):
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440):
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248):
Playoffs. This s h i t is serious.
 
(732):
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
 
(917):
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
 
(770):
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
 
(919):
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
 
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