Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(301):
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

 

[MacGyver]

(412):
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

 

[MacGyver]

(647):
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

 

[MacGyver]

(516):
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three phucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

 

[MacGyver]

(828):
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

 

[MacGyver]

(812):
How did your new apartment party go last night?

(219):
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.

 

[MacGyver]

(765):
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

 

[MacGyver]

(734):
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.

 

[MacGyver]

(732):
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

 

[MacGyver]

(909):
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

 

[MacGyver]

(802):
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the ****. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

 

[MacGyver]

(978):
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

 

[MacGyver]

(607):
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

 

[MacGyver]

(415):
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

 

[Wobble]

Probably wont see Jayboat here anymore, so I'll step up to the plate.

?????????? Did I miss something?

 

[MacGyver]

(574):
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

 

[MacGyver]

(910):
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

 

[MacGyver]

(310):
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that **** shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

 

[MacGyver]

(804):
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.

 

[MacGyver]

(902):
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.