Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(216):
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

 

[MacGyver]

(618):
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

 

[MacGyver]

(814):
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

 

[MacGyver]

(602):
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

 

[MacGyver]

(586):
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

 

[MacGyver]

(201):
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

 

[MacGyver]

(203):
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

 

[MacGyver]

(517):
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1

 

[MacGyver]

(860):
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

 

[MacGyver]

(619):
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

 

[MacGyver]

(303):
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

 

[MacGyver]

(330):
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

 

[MacGyver]

(919):
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

 

[MacGyver]

(872):
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

 

[MacGyver]

(908):
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

 

[MacGyver]

(561):
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

 

[MacGyver]

(941):
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

 

[MacGyver]

(262):
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

 

[MacGyver]

(712):
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

 

[MacGyver]

(778):
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.