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Texts From Last Night

(603): i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
 
(615):
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
 
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(608):
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
 
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(859):
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
 
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(903):
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
 
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(770):
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
 
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(501):
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
 
(425):
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna phuck?"

(206):
do it. it's every man's dream.
 
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