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Texts From Last Night

Looks like the New Years' stuff is starting to come in. :)

(561): Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.

(484): We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.

(757): tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?

(913): Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.

(845): the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well

(540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

(508): champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.

(919): I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
 
(817): The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

(253): Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

(480): she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

(209): I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fvckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

(701): I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.

(410): I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

(515): They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
 
You guys are really getting slack. :smash:

(678): Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

(302): dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience

(914): i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue

(702): He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.

(206): he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of **** too. no boobie pics for him.

(918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

(518): He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

(650): I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
 
Sunday bonus... :)

(410): She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
 
(312): the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

Haha! You'll have that...

(704): my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

Favorite
(402):
i got excepted to unl lol

(402):
You mean "accepted".
 
(617):
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his ****ing laundry and asks me 2 do it

(1-617):
only you. it could only happen to you.


(401):
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
 
(401):
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

been there LOL
 
(541):
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
 
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