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Texts From Last Night

(225):
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.

(330):
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

(978):
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
(1-978):
well apparently not.

(727):
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

(763):
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.

(781):
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
 
(928):
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

(864):
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

(815):
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

(847):
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

(646):
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life

(310):
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

(678):
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

(403):
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fvcked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
 
(310):
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

I get that all the time. Let's me know the night before was a success:sifone::cheers2:

And it's fun to hear the operator ask "Mr. Bartus, did you spend $2000 at "Snatch" last night?" "Yes. Yes I did":sifone::USA:
 
(713):
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(713):
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute

(540):
I just got a ticket for ****ting on a sand dune.

(347):
tell your sister to shave her snatch

Favorite
(703):
****ing a dude

(703):
i mean: ****ing a, dude

(703):
wow, that comma made all the difference there

(774):
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

(919):
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(519):
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(541):
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

(971):
I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503):
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971):
damnit I wish I could remember that

(704):
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

(630):
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

(843):
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, **** on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me *****." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
 
(804):
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.

(856):
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done

(937):
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

(804):
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
(571):
was that a mass text??

(920):
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
(1-920):
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
(920):
he wasn't. neither were you.

dollabill again!
(773):
Just got to costco. Where are you?
(602):
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
 
(920):
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
(1-920):
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
(920):
he wasn't. neither were you.

thats a familiar one Cash
 
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