Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

MORE MORE, this is so much better than family time........

LOL! I'm done at 3:00

 

[MacGyver]

(702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

 

[MacGyver]

(503): she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!

 

[MacGyver]

(831): i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

 

[MacGyver]

(434): you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"

 

[MacGyver]

(740): He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."

 

[MacGyver]

(516): Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

 

[MacGyver]

(530): We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?

 

[MacGyver]

(440): This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.

 

[MacGyver]

(708): I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"

 

[MacGyver]

(248): she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.

 

[MacGyver]

(540): then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack

 

[MacGyver]

(985): I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

 

[MacGyver]

(828): finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...

 

[MacGyver]

(610): You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to phuck

 

[MacGyver]

(773): i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to phuck

 

[MacGyver]

(941): He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

 

[MacGyver]

(630): Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?

 

[MacGyver]

(801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

 

[MacGyver]

(215): you guys are cousins why the PHUCK are your pants off