Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(732): wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

 

[MacGyver]

(832): Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.

 

[MacGyver]

(416): dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

 

[MacGyver]

(216): There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.

 

[MacGyver]

(214): Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.

 

[MacGyver]

(917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

 

[MacGyver]

(785): it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

 

[MacGyver]

(516): I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume

 

[MacGyver]

(202): Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it

 

[MacGyver]

(626): that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.

 

[MacGyver]

(630): i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom

 

[MacGyver]

(732): no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in

 

[MacGyver]

(703): in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.

 

[MacGyver]

(443): And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

 

[MacGyver]

(817): Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day

 

[MacGyver]

(519): Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

 

[MacGyver]

(228): Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
(1-228): brownberry?

 

[MacGyver]

(724): oh fat girl friday strikes again...

 

[MacGyver]

(406): That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.

 

[MacGyver]

(586): Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....