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Texts From Last Night

Today was a good day ....

(803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

(607): I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name

(328): im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
(1-328): anal.


So wrong .....
(321): I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
(239): He could rock you to sleep


.
 
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about **** that doesnt matter.

(215): mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
(267): I know she was great

(312): if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself :ack2:

(630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

(508): i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.

(713): I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
 
(678): Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!
 
insanity said:
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about **** that doesnt matter.

(312): if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself :ack2:
Click to expand...


im going to try the first one this weekend.


the second one is just hilarious and disturbing at the same time.
 
(541): I heard you threw up in your lap?
(1-541): I heard that too.

(774): i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing

(215): Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"

(818): got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

(503): I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

(604): found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
(1-604): wtf you measured my hair?

(314): why was he too nerdy?
(919): he was a tetris block for halloween

(612): I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
(651): again?

(847): I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today

(404): What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
(678): I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
 
(865): he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.

(651): Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my **** together


(301): My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
 
(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
 
(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about **** that doesnt matter.
:rofl:
 
(703): My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
(Wait a second, my sister is in that zip code.)

(608): Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

(207): Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
(That's a good idea when wife ****es you off.)

(516): Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

(859): I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
 
For some reason, they keep rejecting this text between a brother and sister when the bro was visiting Japan. Cannot figure out why:

(Bro) Just had a funny moment. Took photo at Japanese restaurant with owner. After the shot, he said we should take it again, he thinks he blinked. . .This coming from a many who could be blindfolded with dental floss.

I'm gonna try once more to submit it
 
(801): Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
 
(323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
(1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again?

(443): no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself **** i still have to see her at work

(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

(440): planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out

And from the "Ding, ding, ding. . . We have a Winner" category:
(845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

(417): quadriplegic porn is always funny
(832): no. no its not

Found Stecz:
(203): You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.

(248): thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

(828): So, I just ****ed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
 
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