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Texts From Last Night

Time to one-up you Jay:

(719): then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.

(323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

(781): Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

(416): I think we should involve a squid next time we ****.
(1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u


Thank God this thread has not been relegated to the Uncensored. People need to see these.

(732): my dad just beat the **** out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
 
I don't know if this one is a good time or a bad time????

(603): it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
 
(617): I just found out I have a small penis.
(781): Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?

(617): You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head

(208): i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?

(425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

(530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
 
(440): He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim

(603): so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
 
(248): And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.

(617): i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

(703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
(1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

(757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the ****kkk" everytime it didnt work

(219): I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

(612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
(507): god i miss watching you do this...

(201): you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.

(310): i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
 
(336): Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.

(610): I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.

(631): She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina (Did the doc forget to stitch after her episiotomy?)

(785): Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.

(954): my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
 
(925): If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.

(616): it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.

(360): I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.

(817): You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost sh!t yourself in a Target.
 
(412): i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

(215): I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
(267): I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

(651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made f*cking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
 
(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
(By far, my favorite of the day.)

(360): he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.

(989): I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.

(614): Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
(1-614): I had better be ****ing involved with step four.

(502): i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
 
(207): in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask

(706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

(402): her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

(251): but she was nice to me.
(256): She was a ****in STRIPPER.
 
Today they have some doosey's:

(989): We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.

(248): I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time

(630): i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.

(513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

(651): You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.

(304): Whatever it was. it was pregnant.

(843): just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.

(412): dude i feel like ****
(413): well u did eat a lot of play-doh

(718): I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.

(201): The brown eye won't let me do that either.

(318): We are so in love
(504): so when's the next time you get to see your balls

(506): Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another ****ing way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!

(201): I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.

(914): I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.

(650): My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.

(306): Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?

(517): let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.

(702): That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s ****ed!

(615): I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...

(951): As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it

(773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

(651): accomplished twins. life is a go

And today's "Best TFLN" goes to:
(978): I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
 
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