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Texts From Last Night

New All-Time Champion

(281): Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.

And one that I only wish had been written about me...

(714): thats the last time I f*** a piece of fruit on camera for him.
 
(513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
 
(702): That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s ****ed!

F'kin biitch :boxing_smiley: :reddevil:
 
(972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
(817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
(972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

(425): It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

(614): this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

(732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

(931): don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

(804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities

(559): my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
 
(519): i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??


guelph ontario baby!!
 
A never-ending gold mine of funny... :reddevil:

(703): I can feel you judging me through the phone.

(303): dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

(267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
 
(703): BEES IN MY ****ING PANTS. HELP.

(925): is it true you ****ed a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

(765): So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

(850): when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.

(253): I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.

(917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
 
LaughingCat said:
(765): So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Click to expand...

I espeically like the grilled cheese text. :rofl:
 
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