Texts From Last Night

[jayboat]

(419):

Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?

 

[jayboat]

From the dept. of use whatcha got:

(902):

I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

 

[LaughingCat]

You better keep that to yerself.

)

Just worry if I have both hands on your shoulders.

 

[LaughingCat]

(845):

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

 

[LaughingCat]

(702):

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

 

[LaughingCat]

(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

 

[LaughingCat]

(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?






(678):

Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.

 

[LaughingCat]

(616):

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

 

[LaughingCat]

(954):

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

 

[LaughingCat]

(908):

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

 

[LaughingCat]

Sweet Moses on a Stick, we hit page 2. Where are you Jay? I'm closing the post count gap with comments about gay midget hookers and spatulas.

 

[LaughingCat]

(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum




(512):

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

 

[LaughingCat]

(781):

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
(603):

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fvck out of that jungle cat.





<H3 sizset="68" sizcache="10" jQuery1269457860554="141">(847):

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
</H3>

 

[LaughingCat]

(614):

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
(610):

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

 

[LaughingCat]

(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

 

[LaughingCat]

(269):

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

 

[LaughingCat]

Things you'll never hear out of Jay's mouth:

(615):

I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.

 

[LaughingCat]

(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

 

[LaughingCat]

OMG, this is my sister's area code!!!!
(727):

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

 

[LaughingCat]

(585):

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.