Saturday Snorters.....

[Ratickle]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Guido.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

 

[Ratickle]

Hangover Ratings System.....


One Star Hangover (*)

No pain, no real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink five sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache, stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke — yet you haven’t peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face, (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm and the first of about five craps you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now…

 

[old377guy]

Ah, the good ol' days

 

[Bobcat]

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

 

[Ratickle]

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: