Headlines
Texts From Last Night
- Thread starter jayboat
- Start date
03darkshadow
New member
if you think about this, i wouldn't send this message to anyone and admit this happened. :leaving:
jayboat
Banned
amen to that, brutha. :ack2:
more truth from the text:
(773): will power is for people who don't want to get laid
jayboat
Banned
(904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
(414): i love accidental penises.
(985): If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and f*ckable.
(404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
(404): i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
(407): my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
(1-407): It'll hurt less than being alone
(775): No, you can still breathe under the balls.
(562): ...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
(310): Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitc*y of me not to get with at least 1.
(781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
(1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
(617): my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
(414): i love accidental penises.
(985): If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and f*ckable.
(404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
(404): i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
(407): my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
(1-407): It'll hurt less than being alone
(775): No, you can still breathe under the balls.
(562): ...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
(310): Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitc*y of me not to get with at least 1.
(781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
(1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
(617): my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Spicy
Charter Member
MattBMiller
New member
:rofl::rofl::rofl::ack2:
LaughingCat
New member
Holy crap. this thread made it to page two. Not good.
(203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
651): I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
(858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
(530): 69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
(206): **** that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
From the "Trooper of the Week" collection:
(905): I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
(773): CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know
(1-773): How many people did you send this to?
(717):Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
(1-717):That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
(540): I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
(224): The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
(603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
(1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way.
(215): i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
(603): So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
(610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
(630): wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
From the "I know a doctor" saga:
(304): I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
(715): i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
(703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
(541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
(410): Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
(203): I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Finally, a chick who says it out loud:
(561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Witty:
(905): dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
(847): Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
(706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
(434): I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
OMG:
(905): Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
(316): how do we leave politely?
(1-316): Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
(615): Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
From the "Hey woman, shut-up and accept it" lesson on page 2.
(161): that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
(970): you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
(612): I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Text of the day:
(585): broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
(716): you're writing country songs now?
(715): He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
(203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
651): I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
(858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
(530): 69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
(206): **** that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
From the "Trooper of the Week" collection:
(905): I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
(773): CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know
(1-773): How many people did you send this to?
(717):Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
(1-717):That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
(540): I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
(224): The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
(603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
(1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way.
(215): i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
(603): So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
(610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
(630): wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
From the "I know a doctor" saga:
(304): I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
(715): i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
(703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
(541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
(410): Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
(203): I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Finally, a chick who says it out loud:
(561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Witty:
(905): dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
(847): Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
(706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
(434): I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
OMG:
(905): Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
(316): how do we leave politely?
(1-316): Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
(615): Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
From the "Hey woman, shut-up and accept it" lesson on page 2.
(161): that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
(970): you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
(612): I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Text of the day:
(585): broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
(716): you're writing country songs now?
(715): He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
LaughingCat
New member
And now folks, we are back on track.
insanity
New member
That is what you call 'Fried Chicken'. :sifone::sifone:
jayboat
Banned
the road goes on forever and the texting never ends...
(415): Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
(734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
(231): the cocktail of hope
(905): the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
(917): i'm seventeen days late, but at least now we can write a poem and put it on that i-hate-myself-for-having-an-abortion website
(917): i'm thinking a haiku.
We had shower sex
It was pretty good although
Baby had to go
(770): Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
(803): I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
(905): I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
(469): is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
(512): You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
(612): who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
(415): Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
(734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
(231): the cocktail of hope
(905): the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
(917): i'm seventeen days late, but at least now we can write a poem and put it on that i-hate-myself-for-having-an-abortion website
(917): i'm thinking a haiku.
We had shower sex
It was pretty good although
Baby had to go
(770): Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
(803): I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
(905): I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
(469): is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
(512): You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
(612): who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
LaughingCat
New member
Was totally cracking up when read this one. I didn't post it figuring it'd draw some nutty, opinionated people who lack a sense of humor to this thread and I dont want this thread closed.
jayboat
Banned
If this thread gets poofed, we'll just have to go start our own website. :sifone:
We can call it serioustextsfromoffshoreonly.com.
MattBMiller
New member
If this thread gets poofed, we'll just have to go start our own website. :sifone:
We can call it serioustextsfromoffshoreonly.com.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
Wrinkleface
Founding Member
If this thread gets poofed, we'll just have to go start our own website. :sifone:
We can call it serioustextsfromoffshoreonly.com.
DonziGirl
Founding Member
Just makes me sad. I know many people think that way but that's the beauty of freedom of speech. I wouldn't take that away from anyone.