Wednesday Witticism's

[Ratickle]

Boat Rules For Guest

If you will kindly observe the following rules, it will be a hell of a lot easier and more comfortable for the crew …. After all, whose boat is this.

1. Keep your damm shoes off the upholstery.
2. Don’t get snooty with the crew. Remember your skipper is still learning. He’s probably more scared than you.
3. Keep your damm shoes off the upholstery.
4. If a fellow passenger gets anxious, knock him on the head with an EMPTY whiskey bottle.
5. Eyes forward at all times.
6. No empty beer cans or bottles in the cockpit.
7. Don’t ask embarrassing Questions of the crew such as
• Where are we ??
• What time will we dock?
• Does the radio work?
• Where is the head?
• How’s the weather? Is the front up ahead?
(Hell, they don’t know)
8. If you don’t like the food , to hell with you - the boss likes it.
9. Keep your damm shoes off the upholstery.
10. Only one person allowed in the head at a time. Please observe.
11. Don’t put anything into the head you haven’t already swallowed.
12. Keep your damm shoes off the upholstery.
13. Be thankful if you arrive anywhere.
14. Shut Up. Keep your damm shoes off the upholstery.
15. Don’t bother the Skipper. He is along for the ride, too
16. Always let the crew off first – after all she might be sinking
17. Don’t offer to help the Skipper or crew. Let them screw things up their own way.
18. If your feet get wet, don’t show any fear – you might frighten the crew.
19. If you drop peanuts or potato chips on the decks, please clean them up by mouth. Same for coffee and sun-tan lotion.
20. By all means DO NOT get seasick, at least not until you are ashore.
21. While onboard, the Captain has the authority to perform marriages.
22. The Captain’s not always right, but he’s still the Captain
23. KEEP THOSE DAMM SHOES OFF THE UPHOLSTERY!!!!!!

 

[Ratickle]

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...







On the couch...






Naked!

 

[Buoy]

 

[rschap1]