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Texts From Last Night

(314): i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

(443): the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms

(402): Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.

(504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life


(434): I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

(936): what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

(762): Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
 
(978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
 
(714): I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room

(310): I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

(206): We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....

(860): he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
(860): yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
(860): why can't men just shut up and put out?
 
(6008): Spent thirty minutes trying to wee in a cup for my STD test. If only I got that shy with boys I wouldn't be in this predicament



(204): I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
 
(905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

I read that while eating my lunch...
 
(206): when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.

(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
(510): I hope so

(905): Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?

(865): we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
(865): and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

(862): Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
 
nifoxke said:
((865): we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
(865): and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

(862): Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Click to expand...

Two instant classics.
 
Word to live by

(916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
(1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
 
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