I saw this and was reminded of how douchebaggy those few Canadians with a chip on their shoulder can be.
1. Our president is called a Prime Minister.
Our President is called a president. Our ministers are called minister. What the hell does "prime" have to do with it?
2. Baltimore, Maryland has more murders in a week than the entire nation of Canada does all year.
There were 543 murders in Canada in 2013. The lowest since 1966.
There were 4.5 murders per week (average) in Baltimore in 2013.
In the US, 543 is greater than 4.5 and you are a phucking liar. Or stupid, of course.
3. You don't have to be born in Canada to be Prime Minister.
It appears that you don't have to be born in the US to be US President.
So this one's a tie. But our worst President has more cred than your Lime Minister.
4. Canadians do not find, "Say 'eh' for me," to be particularly funny.
That is not surprising. Canadians have no sense of humor. Oh, excuse me, humour.
5. Canada has rednecks, too.
Rednecks have guns. You will soon gloat over your lack of them. Fail.
6. We're a lot bigger than you, in land mass, but our population is considerably less. The populations of Los Angeles and New York City would be around 30 million people. The entire nation of Canada has around 32 million people. Due to the fact that most of our country is in the northern latitudes, we huddle close to the border, for warmth.
Siberia is "bigger" than us too. But Siberians don't have to kiss the Queen's ass.
7. In the War of 1812, we kicked your butts. The reason why your Whitehouse is white is because we set fire to it and it was whitewashed to hide the damage (for propaganda purposes). Some Americans will say that THEY won the war. However, to win, a party must reach their objective. Your objective was to take over British North America (what Canada was called then), our goal was to stop you. You don't have any more northern territory along the Canada/US border than you did before 1812. So who won? (Alaska doesn't count, you BOUGHT that state from Russia.)
Canada was called British North America because the Crown owned you. Our objective was not to take over Canada you idiots, it was to shake off the tyranny of some King in Great Britain. Talk about a smaller country. Yet, the Queen owned you until 1987, and as far as we are concerned, you are still the Queen's puppy. Not only did we kick the British the phuck out of our country for good, we beat the living crap out of a much larger force by being braver. smarter, and better sailors. Perhaps you remember the royal loser, Barclay. Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry handed you your ass, which is why we regained Fort Detroit, and why we don't PHUCKING SPEAK FRENCH.
Again, either a lie or stupidity. Study it: Battle of Lake Erie: Americans outnumbered, OWNED the British. Doesn't look like any Canadian ships took part. If you were as bad as you think you are, you'd own Alaska too. Rather than just the scrublands in the Yukon around it.
8. A form of baseball was played just outside of Toronto, Ontario three weeks before Alexander Doubleday played the 'first' game of baseball in your country.
That's interesting. Yet we kick your ass in baseball. Except 2006, which I guess is why your own people rioted in Vancouver, "british" Columbia.
9. We do not find the term "Canuck" derogatory, like Americans find "Yank" derogatory. It apparently originated during World War One. Your soldiers were call "doughboys" ours were called "Johnny Canucks". I think the British coined the term, but I'm not sure.
That would make sense. You answer to what the British call you and you like it.
10. We are not "just like Americans", we have our own national identity, we just haven't figured out what it is, yet. Someone once said that, "Canadians are unarmed Americans with health care." That pretty much sums it up, I guess. We are internationally (but unofficially) known as the "World's Most Polite Nation."
When Britain and France decide what your identity is, they will let you know. And you will apologize to them for not realizing it sooner.
11. Our national animal is the beaver. Sure it's just a rodent, but they're not even CLOSE to being extinct. You can still get money for beaver pelts. It is NOT our main unit of exchange, we have money, just like you. Beaver is the nickname of the female genitalia. So it suits you. We know you have money. We'll give you 80 cents US for that "dollar" with the picture of your master on it wearing the crown. Wait. No we won't.
12. We do not find the fact that American wear Canadian flag pins (so they can get better treatment in Europe) very amusing. So stop it.
You have got to be kidding me. We don't pretend to be anything. The people wearing Canadian flag pins in Europe are Canadians visiting their true homeland. Meanwhile, we don't find Canadians painting our flag on their boat and running around Florida amusing.
13. We have Thanksgiving in October, so we don't look like copycats (it IS an American originated holiday, after all). However, we celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Passover and other holidays at the same time you do. Nothing you do can keep you from looking like copycats. I notice that you didn't mention "independence day." Perhaps one day you will be independent. But considering you are pseudo-socialist bootlickers of someone else's royalty, and you can't even keep the Quebeqois in check, a civil war is more likely than independence.
14. We were formed, as a nation, in 1867.
Wait, you "kicked our butts" in 1812, but weren't a nation until 55 years later? No. You were a British colony, only because the French quit. You didn't get any recognizable freedom until 1987. Sort of. The jury's out.
15. November the 11th is called Remembrance Day, up here. It is a day when all Canadians honour our war dead and the veterans who are still amongst us. Its significance is that on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month the Armistice was signed, ending World War One.
Yeah, we call that day Veteran's Day, because: We won WW1. We won WW2. We still have veterans. You have 32 million people total. We have over 23 MILLION living American military veterans. We have more than two living veterans for every three of your living weenie citizens. No wonder it's called Remembrance Day. You have to have more living veterans for it to be anything else. Our retired veterans could take your country over in about a day if they wanted to.
16. Not every Canadian speaks French. In fact, Canada is the only country where speaking French is not cool.
Quebec called. They said "Français sera la langue nationale un jour, weenie."
17. We spell words differently. Honour, valour, defence, neighbour, colour, centre and other words are from the British way of spelling. We also pronounce the last letter of the alphabet "zed", not "zee". That makes sense. Colonial subjects of foreign rulers typically take on the language of those who colonized them. This is why Puerto Ricans speak American. And people in India speak the Queen's English.
18. The Queen of England is not our national leader. She's' just a figure head and somebody to put on our money with the birds. (Some Royalists in Canada will have something different to say about his, but they're a minority.) Your form of government is called a "Constitutional Monarchy." When you hear the words "Constitutional Monarchy," what the hell do you think the "Monarch" refers to? You can try to deny it, but you are her puppy and she owns you. Bow before your monarch, puppies. Kneel before the Crown.
19. Our states are called Provinces. We even have three Territories.
These sound like British terms. Or French. A quick search suggests both.
20. We DO NOT have snow all year round. We DO NOT live in igloos. We DO NOT ride around on dog sleds.
We DO NOT have to check the back yard for polar bears, before we let our kids go out to play.
Eskimos live in Igloos. They resisted Russian conquerors from 1649 on. Nobody confuses Canadians with them. Don't flatter yourself.
You are Euro-weenie wannabees driving American cars to Starbucks, only by kilometers. Say, isn't that the European decimal system?
Ahhh, that's right. They own you.
21. Many Canadians have never played hockey in their lives. There are many who do not like hockey.
More Americans have played hockey than Canadians.
22. Besides, our national sport is not hockey, its lacrosse. It's one of the few sports that originated on the North American continent, it was played by the Aboriginals.
First of all, yes... hockey is your national sport. It stopped being an Olympic sport in 1908. No wonder you had to play hockey. In the traditional aboriginal Canadian version, each team consisted of about 100 to 1,000 men on a field that stretched from about 500 meters to 3 kilometers long. These games lasted from sunup to sundown for two to three days straight. I am guessing modern day Canadios play it for a much shorter time. Today's Canadios know more about Abercrombie and Fitch than Aboriginals. But don't get me started on your Native Canadian problem.
23. We didn't invent hockey, we just made it better.
Hockey was first played in Canada in the 18th century, so we can assume the British invented it, right?
24. Even if an "American" team wins the Stanley Cup (the "World Series" of hockey) it doesn't matter to us, because all your best players are Canadian.
Canadian refugees fleeing pseudo-socialism. But you may remember that even though Canada and Russia were perennial hockey rivals, it wasn't Canadians who brought down the Russian hockey empire. The "Miracle on Ice" was us.
25. On the other hand, if a "Canadian" team wins the World Series we ignore the fact that all our baseball players are American.
That happened once, in 2006. Your behavior following it suggested that you didn't expect it, and it would likely never happen again.
26. Stop asking if we know somebody in Canada when you find out we're Canadian. We DON'T know everybody in Canada.
This is just stupid. You way overestimate our interest in your slow-driving, dim-witted elderly balding Canadians who wish they were American and hang out in Florida pretending the are one of us and wishing they really were.
27. We have no right to keep and bear arms. So leave your guns home if you're visiting, otherwise they'll be confiscated at the border. We have very strict gun laws, and fully automatic weapons are pretty much illegal. It almost takes an Act of God to get a licence to own a pistol. (This may be a contributing factor as to why we only have about 600 homicides a year, nation-wide.) "Licence." Another British word. Anywho.. like Puerto Rico, a colonized land like yours would naturally have very strict gun laws, as you are not truly free and your oppressors do not want you to have the ability to defend yourself. I probably have more guns and ammo personally than your armed forces. The bigger influence on your lack of homicides is your tiny population. But, as you have seen lately, the bad guys have guns. Sooner or later they will own you unless some good guys balance things out. Hint: thank God for that one dude in Ottawa who dropped the crazy son of your head of the immigration division.
28. The border between Canada and the US holds the title of the "World's Longest Undefended Border".
It's cute that you think it is undefended. Try crossing it undetected.
29. Our side of Niagara Falls is nicer looking than your side. In fact, even when Americans use images of the Falls in advertising and movies, they film the Canadian side. It's called Horse Shoe Falls, by the way. They film the Canadian side because to film the American side they'd have to go into Canada, which would suck. So, they stand on free soil and shoot toward the Queen's side.
30. We own the North Pole, and therefore Santa Claus is Canadian. The internationally recognized mailing address for jolly old St. Nick is:
Santa Claus
North Pole
Canada
H0H 0H0
Santa Claus doesn't exist. But our submarines carrying long range nuclear missles under the north pole are real. You may want to rethink who "owns" the north pole.
31. We call eskimos "Inuit", because that's what they call themselves.
That, and natives are known to kick your ass, hard. Nice job with your communes of "First Nation." Nobody is a big enough hypocrite to do what you have done to the First Nation people and take the moral high ground for using the Eskimo word. Whoo hoo.
32. That movie you thought was filmed in New York, or Seattle, or Chicago, or Los Angeles -- may have just been filmed in Vancouver, Montreal or Toronto.
Vancouver does play a mean Seattle. The rest of these iconic American cities could never be confused with Canaduh.
Now, your little joke was fun, but you are free at the pleasure of the USA. Don't push your luck with this crap. We are battled hardened, and you are undermanned, undergunned, underfunded, and underwhelming.
Oh, and come get Celine Dion, please.
