Monday Merriments

[Ratickle]

What Single Ads REALLY Mean!


FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone


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THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic......... Sits on the couch and watches Eurosport

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back

Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack (beer)

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature.................. Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested

Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself

Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday

Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says 'Please' when demanding a beer

 

[Ratickle]

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personalities on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.


The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK:

Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.

Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.

Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.

Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.

Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.

Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

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IF MEN DRINK

Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky : He doesn't give two ****s about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly)

 

[rschap1]

Both great ! ! !

 

[old377guy]

Seems about right, but I hope that you had Bob review it for accuracy before posting.:03:

 

[Bobcat]

Jeff, poke yourself in both eyes 3 stooges style please!!!!! (and no blocking):cuss:

:sifone: