Grammar help

MarylandMark

Charter Member
I need some writing help. I just feel like the writing is all over the place and not "professional". I didn't write it to start with so when I went to re-write it I was not sure really how to make it professional and flowing either.

http://www.jamienp.com/

Can I get some help? Willing to send some beer money. :cheers2:

Looking to maybe have some thing like a re-write and then I can cut & paste? Any other ideas/suggestions on the website would be appreciated as well- it's kind of a rough draft right now is the best way to say it.
 
After a quick look,
1. does the flash intro really add anything to this type of website?
2. I'm confused... Is this a site for Jamie or for the practice?

IMHO the basic layout is good, but #2 needs to be figured out. Then the focus and fine layout adjusted accordingly.

3. The picture of her..it is on a professional website. The picture should reflect her in a professional environment, not out partying.

Shoot me a PM with the actual objective of the site, and I can be a little more concrete, as the foundation looks good.
 
Here's what struck me:

Lose the flash. She ain't selling butterflies.

Use larger type. Sick people hate to squint.

Both pics need to be changed. The one that looks like she is across the table on a date and the one where she is looking over her shoulder at her desk with a less than confident expression. Market health professionals a little less touchy feely than psychologists.
You need two lab coat pics. Even if she doesn't wear them. The site is about meeting the expectation of the prospective client.

I would place the clothing drive at a lower priority than professional information. Maybe a section about community involvement. Otherwise she is a NP and Salvation Army center.

If you want grammar help, pull the sections that you are concerned about and I'd be glad to look at them. I wasn't going to scour the site for clunky grammar.
 
Flash deleted

Site is for Jamie, not the practice. I deleted all the contact info for the office except on the home page. I didn't realize how much info I had on there about "other than her" until it was pointed out. Thanks!

Working on getting new picture- lab coat, glasses, scope around neck, medicine related background. Only 1 pic for a quick visual confirmation visitors are at the right website.

Larger font and black (vs was grey) for higher contrast

Clothes drive deleted

Few other pages changed around and deleted/added info

If you want grammar help, pull the sections that you are concerned about and I'd be glad to look at them. I wasn't going to scour the site for clunky grammar.

This page: http://www.jamienp.com/staff.html

and an opening sentence and opinions what to have on the main page:

http://www.jamienp.com/

Thank you!!
 
ok... in the bio section, try to break it up abit into a few (maybe 3 or 4) concise paragraphs. try to limit paragraphs to 5 sentences and make sure the ending of the paragrah leads into the next. This will make it more more friendly to the eyes than a big block of text.

Remove the clinic information from the front page. It is Jaimie's page the clinic info doesn't belong there. I would try putting it in the services page.. " Jaimie currently is an active partner with /on staff at Potomac Internal Medicine & Pediatrics then list available services, under that place theclinic addy hours etc.

Order pages home, about, WHAT (not who) is an NP, services, resources, links, contact. This better organizes/prioritizes the pages ie. what this page is, who its about, what I do, things to help you, more things you might find interesting then contact..

Identify and subdivide the resources page into 2 areas, and identify the areas.. informational material and printable forms.

On the contacts page, try and provide multiple contact methods besides the fill in form. Many people don't like/trust those forms, keep the frm but add something like "to arrange an apointment contact clinic name/addy and number, for further information you may contact Jaimie at Email address.. than say "or you may use the form below" while the internet is nice people still want options/to feel like they can actually contact someone instead of just launching a form message somewhere into the abyss of the internet.

Remember, the internet is short attention span theater. Keep it short and concise, and follow a logical progression.

I didn't proof read the entire site again after you edited it, but initially I noticed you jumped between 3rd person and first person, make sure you stay in the 3rd person.
 
if you want to keep the clothes drive, you can possibly add a page "community involvement"..

Jamie is currently a member of the local blah blah and is involved in blahh blahh and is activley involved in promoting the blah blah clothes drive
 
ok... in the bio section, try to break it up abit into a few (maybe 3 or 4) concise paragraphs. try to limit paragraphs to 5 sentences and make sure the ending of the paragrah leads into the next. This will make it more more friendly to the eyes than a big block of text.

I didn't edit that because Fund is going to get a cut & paste together for me :sifone: I can add a sentience about some community service work here/clothes drive later.

Remove the clinic information from the front page. It is Jaimie's page the clinic info doesn't belong there. I would try putting it in the services page.. " Jaimie currently is an active partner with /on staff at Potomac Internal Medicine & Pediatrics then list available services, under that place theclinic addy hours etc.

Moved that to the "Contact" page per below. Now what do I put on the 1st page?

Order pages home, about, WHAT (not who) is an NP, services, resources, links, contact. This better organizes/prioritizes the pages ie. what this page is, who its about, what I do, things to help you, more things you might find interesting then contact..

Done.

Identify and subdivide the resources page into 2 areas, and identify the areas.. informational material and printable forms.

Ok, I have to go through all of that.

On the contacts page, try and provide multiple contact methods besides the fill in form. Many people don't like/trust those forms, keep the frm but add something like "to arrange an apointment contact clinic name/addy and number, for further information you may contact Jaimie at Email address.. than say "or you may use the form below" while the internet is nice people still want options/to feel like they can actually contact someone instead of just launching a form message somewhere into the abyss of the internet.

Per above (LOL), I removed the office info from the front page and moved it to the Contact page. If we do our own practice the office info will won't be an issue but for she needs to let people know where she is at, or even better if she leaves to know where she went. We own this webpage so it will never change and will follow her to where she works at.

Remember, the internet is short attention span theater. Keep it short and concise, and follow a logical progression.

I didn't proof read the entire site again after you edited it, but initially I noticed you jumped between 3rd person and first person, make sure you stay in the 3rd person.

I'll check and spell check tomorrow- on someone elses clock! LOL I'm going to personalize the What is a NP page a little as well to make it short and sweet to the point.
 
Now what do I put on the 1st page?

The opening page should be simple and to the point

pik..

Jamie Lastname NP XYZ
Specialty
location

try and put some kind of short 'hook' on there too... i.e: why they should look at the website.
 
Back home now so going to be working on this again.. Thanks for the help and I must have lost Funds PM on my cut and paste... :)
 
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