Friday Funnies

[Ratickle]

An ventriloquist, visiting Key West, walks into a close neighborhood and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local,

"Howdy, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Northerner.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going bud?'

Dog: 'Not bad, doin' all right.'

Local: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this guy your owner?' (pointing at the local)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Nice, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Local: (look of utter disbelief)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Local: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'

Local: (total look of amazement)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Bobcat: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar!'

 

[Ratickle]

The "Old Sailor" can't go to sea any longer, so he seeks out another job on land

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired sailor, 72 years old, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired sailor and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old sailor replies,










"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

 

[old377guy]

An ventriloquist, visiting Key West, walks into a close neighborhood and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local,

"Howdy, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Northerner.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going bud?'

Dog: 'Not bad, doin' all right.'

Local: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this guy your owner?' (pointing at the local)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Nice, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Local: (look of utter disbelief)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Local: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'

Local: (total look of amazement)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Bobcat: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar!'

Yep, I saw that coming...

 

[Ratickle]

Yep, I saw that coming...

Do you think Bobcat saw it coming too???????

 

[old377guy]

doubtful

 

[Ratickle]

I see he hasn't piped up yet......