100 Best Movie Lines in 200 Seconds

[LaughingCat]

Favorite Comedy Central Celebrity Roast lines

I'm reluctant to put this thread outside of the Uncensored section because every joke in these roasts is x-rated. But there are so many funny lines, I'd like to know what your favorites are.

Here are some of mine:

"During the commercial break, Snoop Dogg broke wind and everyone in the front row got the munchies."

"How is it Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain." - Jeffrey Ross

(From Pamela Anderson Roast) I see Anna nicole is here tonight. We could do a roast for her to and use the same jokes. . . and FAT jokes. (she flicks him off.) "Someone get her a 90 year old c-ck to suck on."



"She's f-cked more negros than FEMA"

 

[Cash Bar]

He used it as a chance to put his testicles all over me.

Come again?

Ahh, how you say....octopus....testicles...?

No...tentacles....NT....BIG difference.

 

[Expensive Date]

My cousin Vinny " Do you really think bambi cares what kind of pants the SOB was wearing when he shot



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ba7QvrreqU4

 

[Expensive Date]

I never seen a grit before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYoYPJ5uwFg&feature=related

 

[insanity]

lets not forget

you just said your sister was hot. What a for-eek. You're going to hell, man.~

"you like them spinnin' wheels!?"

 

[RUNNINTHERIVER]

" I'll have what she's havin" classic!

 

[LaughingCat]

Good Will Hunting:

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a ****. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and ****in' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the ****in' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure **** it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

 

[drpete3]

Christmas vacation

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey **** he is. Hallelujah. Holy ****. Where's the Tylenol?

 

[drpete3]

and another favorite

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny ****ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of *******s this side of the nuthouse.

 

[mosi]

You FUCHED up.....you trusted us!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-glKGjp50Ug


How many great lines are in that movie?????


.

 

[cuda]

I got 2 guns one for each of ya....Dock Holiday

Great movie.

I'll be your huckleberry.

 

[cuda]

Never get off the fu ckin boat man! fu cking tigers!

Apocolypse Now

 

[cuda]

Drop the gun. Take the canoles.

 

[cuda]

I only recognize two higher athorities. One is my commander, Colonel Nathan R Jessup, and the other one is the Lord our God.

 

[LaughingCat]

Let the record reflect the defendant does not recognize this court as an authority.

 

[PPSB]

"Try not to suck any d**k on your way through the parking lot."

 

[Perlmudder]

how you like them apples?!

 

[RebarBox]

...and this one time, at bandcamp...:willy_nilly:

 

[drpete3]

:rofl:

...and this one time, at bandcamp...:willy_nilly:

 

[cuda]

Big Ben, Paliment.